Old Farts - Rejoice!

 

 

I always HATED the terminology "Old Farts" but this makes me feel better about it.

And if you ain't one, I bet ya you know one!

I got this from an "Old Fart" friend of mine!

OLD FART PRIDE

I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see. Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the Star Spangled Banner or O' Canada. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment.  They know the words and believe in them.

Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbour ,  Guadalcanal, Normandy  and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention  Vietnam .

If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.

Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.

Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.

It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politician's, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old Farts!

An Obituary

An Obituary - Interesting and sadly rather true


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Fun Facts

The Taj Mahal was orignally called the Rauza-I Munavvara which means “Tomb of Light.”

William Wrigley originally started in the baking powder business. With his powder, he gave a free pack of his gum. He later abandoned the baking powder business when he learned that people were buying it just to get the gum.

The first African-American to play quarterback in an NFL game was the appropriately-named Willie Thrower in 1953.

Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura was born James George Janos.

There is only one president who was a bachelor, James Buchanan.

-40 degrees Fahrenheit and -40 degrees Celsius are identical. That’s the point at which both temperature scales converge.

Crayola means “oily chalk.” The name is derived from the French words “craie”, or “chalk,” and “ola,” an abbreviation for “oleaginous,” or “oily.”

Contrary to popular belief, most med school grads do not have to take the Hippocratic oath. But it’s probably best your doctor doesn’t believe in everything the oath entails, which includes swearing your skills on the god Apollo and promising never to share any of your medical knowledge with anyone (even patients).

Al Gore and actor Tommy Lee Jones were college roommates.

While some think Hydrox cookies were an Oreo knock-off, Hydrox actually came first—in 1908, four years before the Oreo

Know Everything?

There are only nine questions.

This is a quiz for people who know everything! 
I found out in a hurry that I didn't. 
These are not trick questions. 
They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? 

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons.  All other vegetables must be replanted every year.  What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle.  The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way.  How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words.  Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar.  Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S'.

Answers:

1.The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward:   Niagara Falls

. 
(The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle?  It grew inside the bottle. 
The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree.  The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S':  Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

My Pets

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THOSE WHO DON'T, IT IS A TRUE  STORY. The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door... Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.  The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designedby NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Racing me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed.  I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.  Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!  If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door.  I must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required. The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt.  I cannot stress this enough! One more thing: Staring at me while I eat to try to direct my mind to give you my food will not work (usually).  I am too old and too tired.  Go stare at the kids.  They are younger and more susceptible to mind control.  (If you don't believe me, notice how they all dress alike so they can be individuals.) Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front  door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here.  You don't.   (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.  That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.   (4) To you, they are animals.  To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly. And remember... dogs and cats are better than kids because they: (1) Eat less. (2) Don't ask for money all the time. (3) Are easier to train. (4) Normally come when called. (5) Never ask to drive the car. (6) Don't hang out with drug-using people. (7) Don't smoke or drink. (8) Don't want to wear your clothes. (9) Don't have to buy the latest fashions. (10) Don't need a gazillion dollars for college. (11) If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!

Ponderisms

 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.  

 Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.  

 The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement  

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?  

 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.  

 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?  

 Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'  

 Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'  

  Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway? 

My resume'

1.     My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned.  Couldn’t concentrate!

2.     Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3.     After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn’t suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4.     Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5.     Then, tried being a Chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.

6.     Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn’t cut the mustard.

7.     My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.

8.     I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn’t have any patients.

9.     Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.  Tried hard but just didn’t fit in.

10.            I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.

11.            Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12.            So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

13.            After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14.            My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

15.            SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!!