They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Retardment
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS...
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils to write an essay on how they
spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved
to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't
have to mow the grass anymore!
They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they
don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed
because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very
well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He
watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising
in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night
--- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who
do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and
says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will
let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils to write an essay on how they
spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved
to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't
have to mow the grass anymore!
They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they
don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed
because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very
well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He
watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising
in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night
--- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who
do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and
says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will
let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
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