Idiot Sighting

IDIOT  SIGHTING   When  my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked inside it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I  watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'  His reply: 'I know. I already got that  side.'    This  was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS   IDIOT  SIGHTING When  my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked inside it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I  watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'  His reply: 'I know. I already got that  side.'  This  was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS   IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the  opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a  1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's  not.' Four is larger than two.'         We  haven't used Sears repair since.   IDIOT  SIGHTING:     My  daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk  a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.  She sighed and went  to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.       Do  not confuse the clerks at McD's.      IDIOT  SIGHTING  :  I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local  township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't  think this is a good place for  them to be crossing anymore.'  From  Kingman  ,  KS   IDIOT  SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco  Bell    and ordered a taco. She asked the  person behind  the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'  He said he was sorry,  but they only had iceburg lettuce.    -- From  Kansas City       IDIOT  SIGHTING:  I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee  asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To  which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled  knowingly and nodded,     'That's why we ask, it is a government rule.' Happened in  Birmingham, Ala.      IDIOT  SIGHTING  :  The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was  crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing  driving?!'  She  was a probation officer in Wichita , KS        IDIOT SIGHTING :  At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the  company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at  each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at   Texas  Instruments.      ;      IDIOT SIGHTING :   I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.  A deputy with the  Dallas   County  Sheriffs office, no less.   IDIOT SIGHTING :     How would you pronounce this child's name?           "Le-a"     Leah??                NO  Lee - A??            NOPE  Lay - a??             NO  Lei??                   Guess Again.    This child attends a school in  Kansas City,  Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.    It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent." SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.    If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

Jails/Nursing Homes

Jails and Nursing Homes

Here's the way it should be:

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes. 

This would correct two things in one motion:

Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.

They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.

All meals and snacks would be brought to them

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.

Simple clothing - i.e.., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.

There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.

 Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.

They would receive daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.

The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.

As for the criminals:

 

They would receive cold food.

They would be left alone and unsupervised.

They would receive showers once a week.

They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.

They would have no hope of ever getting out.

    "Sounds like justice to me!"

What I Want in a Man

What I Want In a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4.. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 85)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

What Matters

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
.

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It
is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey
is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never
blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up
to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an
answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't
save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will
this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or
didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd
grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Fascinating Photos from around the World

Earth from Above

a collection of aerial photography produced by Yann Arthus-Bertrand

"Earth From Above" is the result of the aerial photographer Yann Arthus-Bertrand's five-year airborne odyssey across six continents. It's a spectacular presentation of large scale photographs of astonishing natural landscapes. Every stunning aerial photograph tells a story about our changing planet.

Just click on:

http://justpaste.it/3ky

Santa's Goofballs

Living in MN?

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 
18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
You might live in Minnesota

If you're proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights 
each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, 
You might live in Minnesota

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy", 
You might live in Minnesota

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March,
You might live in Minnesota

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there,
You might live in Minnesota

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead,
You might live in Minnesota

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You might live in Minnesota

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, 
You might live in Minnesota

If you know how to say...Wayzata. ..Mahtomedi. .Cloquet. Edina ..and Shakopee,
You might live in Minnesota

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy,
YYou might live in Minnesota

If vacation means going "up north" for the weekend,
You might live in Minnesota

If you measure distance in hours,
You might live in Minnesota

If you know several people, who have hit deer more than once,
You might live in Minnesota

If you often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, 
You might live in Minnesota

If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow 
during a raging blizzard without flinching, 
You might live in Minnesota

If you see people wearing hunting clothes at social events,
You might live in Minnesota

If you install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked,
You might live in Minnesota

If you think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and Venison,
You might live in Minnesota

If you carry jumper cables in your car, and your girlfriend knows how to use them,
You might live in Minnesota

If there are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time,
You might live in Minnesota

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
You might live in Minnesota

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow,
You might live in Minnesota

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and of course, road construction, 
You might live in Minnesota

If you can identify a southern or eastern accent,
You might live in Minnesota

If your idea of creative landscaping is a plastic deer next to your blue spruce,
You might live in Minnesota

If "Down South" to you means Iowa,
You might live in Minnesota

If you know "a brat" is something you eat, 
You might live in Minnesota

If you find -10 degrees "a little chilly", 
You might live in Minnesota

Josh Harris' Afterworld

 " The Room.."

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings.

As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. 

A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed at."

Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents Often there were many more cards than expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived.

Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. 

One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards...

But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh
And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room.. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. 

No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes.

Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room.. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.
 
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files.. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him.. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, and so alive.

The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."
 
I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.
 
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

Carnegie Hall

Carnegie Hall - unlikely and intensely beautiful playing of a harmonica - you have to hear to believe:
http://www.wimp.com/harmonicacarnegie/

My Wish for You

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that  you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the  infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.  May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that  has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way  you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul  the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

Go to the following for a tutorial on heart attack victim resuscitation:

 http://medicine.arizona.edu/spotlight/learn-sarver-heart-centers-continuous-chest-compression-cpr

This short video will show you exactly what to do if someone near you collapses and is presumably having a heart attack. You could save a life, or a friend/loved one you share this video with could save yours one day. This is the best demonstration I’ve seen, and the simplest explanation.