Elder Banking

86-year Old  Lady's Letter to Bank:  Shown below, is an actual letter  that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old  woman. The bank manager thought  it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing  to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to  pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,  pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by  check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee  at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details  of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and  liabilities) must be accompanied by documented  proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.  I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of  button presses required of me to access my account balance on  your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the  sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.  When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS  THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH.
#1. To make an appointment to see me.

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact  mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main  menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9.  To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated  answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.

While this may, on  occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for  the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

Revisit the 60s

Launch the following for a comprehensive review of the 60s-great memories:

http://objflicks.com/TakeMeBackToTheSixties.htm

Smart Dog

This video is delightful!  Go to:  http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=P9Fyey4D5hg

One very talented dog to great music.

Kids say the darnest things.....

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!
These have to be original and genuine No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After
a while he asked: 'Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold
milk?'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom good night. 'I love you so much that
when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain
to take the lid off the bottle.  Seeing her frustration, her mom explained it
was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give
me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mom asked what
was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when
I get married.  How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in
a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he
whispering in her mouth?'


TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her mom knew. Tammy  looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot
was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back
and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'


Kids say the darnest things.....

The Sermon I think this mom will never forget...

This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms
extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without
you, we are but dust...'  He would have continued but at that moment, my very
obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly
in her shrill little four-year-old-girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Ghost Rider

This happened about a month ago just outside of Douglas, a little town in the back country of North Dakota . It sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale.

This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a snow storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was snowing so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghost like in the snow. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again! Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.

Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Garrison. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, 'Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the snow.'

Are You Older Than Dirt?

THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS:

  

'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.

'All the food was slow.' 

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !

'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore   Levis, never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card.  In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.

Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow)

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.

It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a..m.And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.

I was 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.'

When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had..

I never had a telephone in my room.

The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.

On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend :

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea.. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. 
Soldering (hair curling rods too) irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals. 

Older Than Dirt Quiz :

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.

Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles 
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke  boxes 
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 
7. Party lines on the telephone
8 Newsreels before the movie 
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax 
11.. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you werefortunate]) 
12. Peashooters 
 13. Howdy Doody 
14. 45 RPM records ---how about 78 rpm records 
15. S& H greenstamps 
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever 
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns 
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers 

If you remembered 0-5, You're still young
If you remembered 6-10, You're getting older 
If you remembered 11-15, Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25, You' re older than dirt!

Do You Remember?

> A TEST FOR OLD KIDS
> 
> I was picky who I sent this to. It had to be those who might actually
> remember. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for us
> 'old kids'! The answers are printed below, but don't cheat.
> 
> 01.. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the
> grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone
> would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." What did he leave
> behind?________________.
> 
> 02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched
> them on The _______________ Show.
> 
> 03 Get your kicks, __________________.'
> 
> 04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to
> ___________________.'
> 
> 05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.'
> 
> 06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a
> stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the
> '_____________.'
> 
> 07. Nestle's makes the very best . .. . . _______________.'
> 
> 08. " Satchmo" was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill' to the world. Our
> parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His real name was
> _________________.
> 
> 09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.
> 
> 10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always
> ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________ ________. '
> 
> 11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning
> their______________.
> 
> 12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the
> front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ &
> _______________.
> 
> 13.. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music
> died.' This was a tribute to ___________________.
> 
> 14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did
> it. It was called ___________________.
> 
> 15... One of the big fads of the late '50s and '60s was a large plastic ring
> that we twirled around our waist. It was called the __ ______________.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ANSWERS :
> 01.The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
> 02.The Ed Sullivan Show
> 03..On Route 66
> 04.To protect the innocent.
> 05.The Lion Sleeps Tonight
> 06.The limbo
> 07.Chocolate
> 08.Louis Armstrong
> 09.The Timex watch
> 10.Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'
> 11.Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)
> 12.Beetle or Bug
> 13.Buddy Holly
> 14.Sputnik
> 15.Hoola-hoop

Handy Tips

IDEAS WORTH KNOWING
  
  
    1-- Ripen bananas slower or faster.  

    Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you leave them connected   .   .   at the stem, they ripen faster.
  
  
    2--No mold cheese.  

    Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will stay fresh much longer and lot        .   mold.
  
  
  
    3--Peppers 

    Peppers with three bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating.  Peppers with four

    bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.
  
  
    4.  Reduce ground beef grease

    Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull the grease away from the   

    meat while cooking.
     
  
    5.  Rich scrambled eggs or omelets 

    Add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat    

    them up.
     
    6. Cool brownie treat 

    Make brownies as directed. Melt Andes mints in double broiler and pour over warm brownies.    

    Let set for a wonderful minty frosting
     
  
    7.  Adding garlic 

    Do so immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if 

    your want a stronger taste of garlic.
  
    8.  Leftover snickers bars make a delicious dessert.   

   Simply chop them up with the food chopper. Peel, core and slice a few apples. Place them in 

   a baking dish and sprinkle the chopped candy bars over the apples. Bake at 350´ for 15     

   minutes!!! Serve alone or with vanilla ice cream. Yummm!
  
  
    9.  Reheat Pizza
  
    Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low.   This

    keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza.
  
  
    10.  Easy Deviled Eggs
  
    Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag.  Seal, mash till they are all broken up.
    Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly,
    cut the tip of the baggy squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away
    when done easy clean up.
  
  
    11.  Expanding Frosting
  
    When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer
    for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with

    the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.
  
  
    12.  Reheating refrigerated bread 

    To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in

    a microwave with a cup of water.  The increased moisture will keep the food
    moist and help it reheat faster.
  
  
    13.  Newspaper weeds away
  
    Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers,
    put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about
    weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic but they will not get through wet

    newspapers.
  
  
    14.  Broken Glass
  
    Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.
      
  
    15.  No More Mosquitoes
  
    Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.
  
    16.  Squirrel Away!
  
    To keep squirrels from eating your plants, sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The

    cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.  I have a

    wicker footstool – used a bit of spray cooking oil and cayenne pepper;  my cat doesn’t

    claw it any more.
  
   17.  Flexible vacuum
  
    To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll

    or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow
    openings.
  
  
    18.  Reducing Static Cling
  
    Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or       

    dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin
    in seam of slacks and ...ta da! .... static is gone.
  
   19.  Measuring Cups
  
   Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water.
   Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such
   as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.
  
   20.  Foggy Windshield?
  
   Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog,

   rub with the eraser!  Works better than a cloth.
  
   21.  Reopening envelopes
  
   If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place

   your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily.
  
   22.  Hair Conditioner
  
   Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs.  It's cheaper than shaving cream and leaves

   your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but      

   didn't like when you tried it in your hair.  Shampoo with built in conditioner works great

   as soap instead of the soft-soap or bar-soap.  It cleans your hands and moisturizes –    

   great in winter.
  
   23. Goodbye Fruit Flies
  
   To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass, fill it 1/2' with Apple Cider Vinegar
   and 2 drops of dish washing liquid; mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup

   and gone forever!
  
  
    24. Get Rid of Ants
  
    Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants.  They eat it, take it 'home,' can't digest it

    so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works and you don't    

    have to worry about pets or small children being harmed!