Cahoots

Cahoots

 

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

  

Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

 

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

 

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

 

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

 

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

 

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. 

 

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

 

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

 

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

 

 

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

Child's Religion-Test Responses

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk  grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure! PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL  TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE  FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN. 1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATHOFF. 2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.  3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR  OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD  PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH  UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE  PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.  

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS  BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE  EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS  IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID’S  SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17.  JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19.. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE  LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23.. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25.. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Sven Declares War

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, President Obama," a heavily accented Norwegian voice said. "'Dis here is Sven, over here at the Muni Liquor Store in Menahga , Minnesota . Ve don't like some a yer policies so I am callin' to tell ya that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well, Sven," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Sven, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Knute, my next-door-neighbor Ole, and the whole pool team from the Muni."

Barack paused, "I must tell you Sven that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Sven, "I'll haf ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Sven called again. "Mr. Obama, da war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Sven?" Barack asked.

"Vell sir, ve got two combines, a bulldozer, and Sigurd's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Sven, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"All right den, said Sven. "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Sven rang again the next day... "President Obama, da war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Ole's ultra-light vit a couple'a shotguns in da cockpit, and four boys from the coffee shop haf joined us as vell!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Sven, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Two million you say?," said Sven, "l'll haf' to call you back."

Sure enough, Sven called again the next day. "President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Vell, sir," said Sven, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's yust no vay ve can feed two million prisoners."
NORWEGIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

Word Fun

PRESBYTERIAN:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    BEST IN PRAYER

    ASTRONOMER:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    MOON STARER

    DESPERATION:

    When you rearrange the letters:
    A ROPE ENDS IT

    THE EYES:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    THEY SEE

    GEORGE BUSH:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    HE BUGS GORE

    THE MORSE CODE:
    When you rearrange the letters:
    HERE COME DOTS




DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

AND FINALLY..

__MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of  

Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in  

the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have  

little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,  

I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably  

shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd  

lost 50 poundsbefore I awakened in an intensive care ward with  

tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way  

that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and  

simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is  

nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it  

again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line  

was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog  

food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff  

a poodle's butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack  

he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask  

retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of  

crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired  

friends...it will be their laugh for the day!

More Church Bulletin Funnies

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:






The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Retardment

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS...


After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils to write an essay on how they

spent their holiday away from school.



One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved

to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't

have to mow the grass anymore!



They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they

don't know who they are anymore.



They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed

because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very

well.


There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.


At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He

watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising

in their golf carts!



Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night

--- early birds.



Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who

do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.



My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and
says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.


When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will

let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.