Summary of Life

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize a cat.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.. 

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*

Take the time to live!!!Life is too short. Whoo-hoo!

Definitions

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage..

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favorite!

 

WRINKLES:

Something other people have,

Similar to my character lines

The News from Heaven

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and  Betty, had been friends all of their lives.

  

 When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

  

 One day Betty said, 'Bertha, we  both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school.  Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you  must let me  know if there's women's softball  there.  

 Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, 'Betty, you've been my best friend for many years.  If  it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.

   

 Shortly  after that, Bertha  passed  on.

  

 A  few nights later, Betty  was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Betty, Betty.'

  

 'Who  is it?' asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

  

 'Betty -- it's me, Bertha.'  

  

 'You're not Bertha. Bertha just  died.'

  

 'I'm telling you, it's me,  Bertha,' insisted the voice.

  

 'Bertha! Where are you?'  

  

 'In heaven,' replied Bertha. 'I  have some really good news and a little bad news.'

  

 'Tell me the good news first,'  said Betty.

  

 'The good news,' Bertha said, 'is  that there's women's softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too.  Even better than that, we're  all young again.  Better still, it's always springtime and it never rains  or snows.  And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we  never get tired.'

  

 'That's  fantastic,' said  Betty. 'It's beyond my wildest dream! So what's the bad news?'  

  

 'You're  pitching Tuesday.'  

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'  Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.


Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

Jack took a long look at his speedometer
before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone.

Fourth time in as many months..

How could a guy get caught so often?

When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour,

Jack pulled over, but only partially.

Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard.

Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.

The cop was stepping out of his car,

the big pad in hand..

Bob? Bob from Church?

Jack sunk farther into his trench coat.

this was worse than the coming ticket.

A cop catching a guy from his own church.  

A guy who happened to be a little eager

to get home after a long day at the office..

A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow..

Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday,

a man he'd never seen in uniform.

'Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this.'

'Hello, Jack.' No smile.

'Guess you caught me red-handed

In a rush to see my wife and kids.'

'Yeah, I guess.' Bob seemed uncertain.

Good.

'I've seen some long days at the office lately.

I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit -just this once.'

Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement.

'Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight.

Know what I mean?'

'I know what you mean.

I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct .'

Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics.

'What'd you clock me at?'

'Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?'

'Now wait a minute here, Bob.  I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65.'

The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.

'Please, Jack, in the car'.

Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard..

He was in no rush to open the window.

The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad..

Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license?

Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again.

A tap on the door jerked his head to the left.

There was Bob, a folded paper in hand.

Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.

'Thanks..'

Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice.

Bob returned to his police car without a word.

Jack watched his retreat in the mirror.
Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost?

Wait a minute.

What was this? Some kind of joke?

Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:

'Dear Jack, Once upon a time I had a daughter.. she was six when killed by a car.  You guessed it - a speeding driver.
A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free.

Free to hug his daughters, all three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again.

A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man.  A thousand times I thought I had.  Maybe I did, but I need to do it again.  Even now.

Pray for me.

And be careful, Jack, my son is all I have left.'

'Bob'

Mother

The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is  this the long way?" she asked. And the guide said: "Yes and the way is hard.

 And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But  the end will be better than the beginning."

 But the young mother was happy, and she would not  believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for  them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried,  "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

 Then the night came, and the storm, and the path was  dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."

 And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and  the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary.  But at all times she said to the children," A little patience and we are there.

 " So the children climbed, and when they reached the top they said, "Mother, we would not have done it without you."

 And the mother, when she lay down at night looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness.   Yesterday I gave them courage. Today, I've given them strength."

 And the next day came strange clouds which darkened  the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the mother said, "Look up. Lift your eyes to the light." And the children looked and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory, and it guided them beyond the darkness. And that night the Mother said, "This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God."

 And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and  the years, and the mother grew old and she was little and bent.   But her children were tall and strong, and walked with  courage. And when the way was rough, they lifted her,  for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. 

 And mother said, "I have reached the end of my journey.   And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them."

 And the children said, "You will always walk with us,  Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."   And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said: "We cannot see her but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence......."

 Your Mother is always with you... She's the whisper  of the leaves as you walk down the street; she's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks; she's the cool hand  on your brow when you're not well. Your Mother lives
 inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop.  She's the place you came from, your first home; and  she's the map you follow with every step you take.. She's your first love and your first heartbreak, and nothing on earth can separate you.

 Not time, not space ... not even death!

Quite a Conversation

A woman is sitting at home on the veranda with her husband, and she says, "I love you."

He asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me . . . . . . talking to the wine."

 Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one.
"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms.  They ate and ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second.
"OK." said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun.


No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up.

As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought,

"I love baskin' robins."

Keeper

 

Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress; lawn mower in his hand, and dish-towel in hers. It was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.

But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more.

 

Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away ...never to return. So, while we have it ...its best we love it ... And care for it .... And fix it when it's broken ... And heal it when it's sick.

This is true ...For marriage ... And old cars ... And children with bad report cards ... Dogs and cats with bad hips ... And aging parents ... And grandparents, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, and friends. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

Some things we keep. Like a best friend who moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special ... And so, we keep them close in heart and mind and spirit.

Interesting Facts

The Q in Q-tips stands for quality. They were originally called Baby Gays.

During the year 1881, three men served as President of the United States: Rutherford B. Hayes, James Garfield and Chester A. Arthur.

Invented in the 1940s in Tennessee, Mountain Dew was meant to be mixed with whisky. In fact, its bottles were designed to look like moonshine, and the original Mountain Dew labels featured outhouses, stills, and hay-chewing yokels.

The hole in your shirt that you put your arm through is called an armsaye.

Route 66, westbound from Albuquerque, started out as a camel trail.

John Adams and Thomas Jefferson were the only two men who signed the Declaration of Independence who also went on to become President of the United States.

Ice Cream was served to new arrivals at Ellis Island. But because most people hadn’t encountered it before, they simply figured it was butter and spread it on their toast.

By law, French workers get at least 30 paid vacation days each year.  

Al Gore and actor Tommy Lee Jones were college roommates.

The title of the Paul Simon song “Mother and Child Reunion,” came from a chicken-and-egg dish that appeared on a Chinese restaurant menu in NYC.

Due to the “naughty” dancing of the can-can girls, and the scantily clad models on 1800s French postcards, the British equated anything risqué with France. In fact, that’s how the phrase “pardon my French” entered the vernacular.

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,  John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

You're going to love the Dad's reply:
 
'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.  This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $3000 per month.  
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 My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.  Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.  
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I like long  walks, especially when they are  taken by people who annoy me. 
 

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The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. 
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I have to walk early in the morning, before my  brain figures out what I'm doing..  
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I  joined a health club last year, spent  about 400 bucks.  Haven't lost a pound.
 Apparently you have to go there. 
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 Every time I hear the  dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate. 
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The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll  say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't  she.' 

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