Thursday, January 28, 2010

Wet T-Shirt


Funny

Note:  My experience is that this is only intended as funny since I have many friends in older groups that don't need wheel chairs or elevators much less memory loss.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.


10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Mayo's Response to National Health Care

Apparently the American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Health Care
Initiatives from the Obama Administration....(please excuse some foul language)

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea
shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

Oncologists fear it's malignant, while Osteopaths see it as holistic.

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

God is like...

5TH GRADE ASSIGNMENT


A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.

Here are some of the results: scroll down...



God is like.

BAYER ASPIRIN

He works miracles.



God is like.

a FORD

He's got a better idea.



God is like.

COKE

He's the real thing.


God is like.

HALLMARK CARDS

He cares enough to send His very best..



God is like.

TIDE

He gets the stains out that others leave behind.



God is like.

GENERAL ELECTRIC

He brings good things to life.



God is like.

SEARS

He has everything.



God is like.

ALKA-SELTZER

Try Him, you'll like Him



God is like.

SCOTCH TAPE

You can't see Him, but you know He's there..



God is like....

DELTA

He's ready when you are.



God is like.

ALLSTATE

You're in good hands with Him.



God is like.

VO-5 Hair Spray

He holds through all kinds of weather.



God is like.

DIAL SOAP

Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?



(that one is my favorite)



God is like..

the U.S. POST OFFICE

Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination..



God is like.

Chevrolet. . .the heart beat of America



God is like

Maxwell House. . .

Good to the very last drop



God is like.

Bounty. .. . .

He is the quicker picker upper. . can handle the tough jobs. . and He won't fall apart on you

The Vodka Did It!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.   He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry.'
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: 'Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.'
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Very talented youth

Click on:

http://www.sendspace.com/file/c2swtx

Vikings & the Super Bowl

Ole and Sven have a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, both die, and go to Hell.



The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?'

Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.' ; The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?'


Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'


The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.


The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
This one is for everyone who..



a) has kids


b) had kids


c) was a kid


d) knows a kid


e) is going to have kids.


I guess that means all of us!!






DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS






I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.



Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,


'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers', pretending to eat them.


I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.




I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'


She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'





Cancel Citibank credit card before you die

Cancel your credit card before you die..........(hilarious!)  Now some people are really stupid!!!!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'


Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )


After they get the fax :
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help...'

Family Member: 'Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

Priceless!!
Have you wondered why Citi is going broke and needs the feds to bail them out!!

She's 92 Doing the Salsa

www.youtube.com/watch?v=FApBAZE2KuE

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of  room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Home Remedies

[]Eliminate ear mites. All it takes is a few drops of Wesson Corn Oil in your cat's ear... Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.



[]Kills fleas instantly.. ... Dawn Dishwashing Liquid does the trick.  Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly.  Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Good-bye fleas.



[]Rainy day cure for dog odor: Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.



Did you know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional pain relievers?



[]Did you know that Colgate Toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns?



[]Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with serious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.




[]Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 tablespoon horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil for instant relief for aching muscles.




[]Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.



[]Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms.  Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-even though the product was never been advertised for this use.




[]Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.




[]Listerine therapy for toenail fungus : Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine M outhwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.




[]Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear Nail Polish to
the threads of the screws before tightening them.




[]Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.




[]Smart splinter remover: Just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.




[]Hunt's Tomato Paste boil cure... Cover the boil with Hunt's Tomato Paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.




Balm for broken blisters... To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine, a powerful antiseptic.



[]Vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.




[]Quaker Oats for fast pain relief... it's not for just breakfast any more! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.




Why Cats Scratch People

























Why Dogs Bite People


























Monday, January 11, 2010

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'




The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.



Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'



He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ... The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces..



'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.



It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center .

Saturday, January 9, 2010

AlaskaRailwayRoutes

This website has a terrific power point presentation of the White Pass railroad:

railpassengerusa.com/powerpoint/Alaska%20Railway%20Routes.pps

Aspirin by your bed?

Bayer is making crystal aspirin to dissolve under the tongue. They work much faster than the tablets.
Why keep aspirin by your bedside?

There are other symptoms of an heart attack besides the pain in the left arm.

One must also be aware of an intense pain on the chin, as well as nausea and lots of sweating, however these symptoms may also occur less frequently.

Note: There may be NO pain in the chest during a heart attack. The majority of people (about 60%) who had a heart attack during their sleep, did not wake up. However, if it occurs, the chest pain may wake you up from your deep sleep.

If that happens, immediately dissolve two aspirins in your mouth and swallow them with a bit of water.

Afterwards:
- phone a neighbor or a family member who lives very close by
- say "heart attack"
- say that you have taken 2 aspirins..
- take a seat on a chair or sofa near the front door, and wait for their arrival and...
~ Do NOT lie down ~

The real Bambi & Thumper