The Middle Wife

 The  'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always  have a few sessions with my students.  It helps them get over shyness and  usually, show-and-tell  is pretty tame.   Kids bring in pet turtles, model  airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.   And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.
If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She  holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke,  my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's  stomach, and Luke grew in there.   He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica  puts a hand behind her back and groans.   'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'   (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car  like the Domino's man. They got my  Mom to lie down in bed like this.'   (Then Erica lies  down with her back against the  wall.)

'And  then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all  over the bed, like psshhheew!'
(This kid has her legs spread with her little hands mimicking water
flowing away. It was too  much!)

'Then  the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and  'breathe, breathe.
They  started counting, but never even got past ten.  Then, all of a sudden,
out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was
from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
When  he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day,
I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.