Church Bulletin Bloopers

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the
house. Bring your husbands.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow..

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir
practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the
pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up
Yours.

Feng Shui

  Feng  Shui
·
This  is without a doubt one of the nicest good luck  forwards I have received.. Hope it works for you  -- and me! 

Lotus  Touts:

There's  some mighty fine advice in Lotus Touts has  been sent to you for good luck from the Anthony  Robbins organization. It has been sent around  the world ten times so far.

ONE.  Give  people more than they expect and do it  cheerfully.  

TWO.  Marry  a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get  older, their conversational skills will be as  important as any other. 


THREE.  Don't  believe all you hear, spend all you have or  sleep all you want. 

FOUR..  When  you say, 'I love you,' mean  it.  

FIVE.  When  you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the  eye. 


SIX.  Be  engaged at least six months before you get  married. 


SEVEN.  Believe  in love at first  sight. 

EIGHT.  Never  laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have  dreams don't have much.  


NINE...  Love  deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but  it's the only way to live life completely.  

TEN..  In  disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.  


ELEVEN..  Don't  judge people by their  relatives. 

TWELVE.  Talk  slowly but think  quickly. 

THIRTEEN. When  someone asks you a question you don't want to  answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to  know?' 

FOURTEEN.  Remember  that great love and great achievements involve  great risk. 

FIFTEEN.  Say  'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.  


SIXTEEN.  When  you lose, don't lose the  lesson.  

SEVENTEEN.  Remember  the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for  others; and Responsibility for all your actions.  

EIGHTEEN.  Don't  let a little dispute injure a great friendship.  

NINETEEN.  When  you realize you've made a mistake, take  immediate steps to correct  it.  

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone.  The caller will hear it in your voice  


TWENTY-  ONE. Spend  some time alone. 

A  true friend is someone who reaches for your hand  and touches your  heart.

The Piano Student

This is a true story and it will give you the chills.


This is a beautiful and touching story of love and perseverance. Well
worth the read.

At the prodding of my friends I am writing this story. My name is Mildred Honor and I am a former elementary school music teacher from Des Moines, Iowa . I have always supplemented my income by teaching piano lessons - something I have done for over 30 years.


During those years I found that children have many levels of musical ability, and even though I have never had the pleasure of having a prodigy, I have taught some very talented students.


However, I have also had my share of what I call 'musically challenged' pupils - one such pupil being Robby..


Robby was 11 years old when his mother (a single mom) dropped him off for his first piano lesson. I prefer that students (especially boys) begin at an earlier age, which I explained to Robby. But Robby said that it had always been his mother's  dream to hear him play the piano, so I took him as a student.


Well, Robby began his piano lessons and from the beginning I thought it was a hopeless endeavor. As much as Robby tried, he lacked the sense of tone and basic 
rhythm needed to excel.  But he dutifully reviewed his scales and some elementary piano pieces that I require all my students to learn.  Over the months he tried and tried while I listened and cringed and 
tried to encourage him. 
  
  
At the end of each weekly lesson he would always say 'My mom's going to hear me play someday'.  But to me, it seemed hopeless, he just did not have any inborn  ability.


I only knew his mother from a distance as she dropped Robby off or waited in her aged car to pick him up. She always waved and smiled, but never dropped in.


Then one day Robby stopped coming for his lessons. I thought about calling him, but assumed that because of his lack of ability he had decided to pursue something else. I was also glad that he had stopped coming - he was a bad advertisement for my teaching!


Several weeks later I mailed a flyer recital to the students' homes. To my surprise, Robby (who had received a flyer) asked me if he could be in the recital. I told him that the recital was for current pupils and that because he had dropped out, he really did not qualify. 
  
  
He told me that his mother had been sick and unable to take him to his piano lessons, but that he had been practicing. 'Please Miss Honor, I've just got to play' he 
insisted. I don't know what led me to allow him to play in the recital - perhaps it was his insistence or maybe something inside of me saying that it would be 
all right.


The night of the recital came and the high school  gymnasium was packed with parents, relatives and friends. I put Robby last in the program, just before I 
was to come up and thank all the students and play a finishing piece. I thought that any damage he might do would come at the end of 
the program and I could always salvage his poor performance through my 'curtain closer'.


Well, the recital went off without a hitch, the students had been practicing and it showed. Then Robby came up on the stage. His clothes were wrinkled and his 
hair looked as though he had run an egg beater through it.  'Why wasn't he dressed up like the other students?'  I thought. 'Why didn't his mother at least 
make him comb his hair for this special night?' 
  
  
Robby pulled out the piano bench, and I was surprised when he announced that he had chosen to play Mozart's Concerto No.
21 in C Major. I was not prepared for what I heard next. His fingers were light on the keys, they even danced nimbly on the 
ivories. He went from pianissimo to fortissimo, from allegro to virtuoso; his suspended chords that Mozart demands were magnificent!  
  
  
Never had I heard Mozart played so well by anyone his age.

After six and a half minutes he ended in a grand crescendo, and everyone was on their feet in wild applause!  Overcome and in tears, I ran up on stage and put 
my arms around Robby in joy.  'I have never heard you play like that Robby, how did you 
do it? 
  
  
'  Through the microphone Robby explained: 'Well, Miss Honor .... remember I told you that my mom was sick? Well, she actually had cancer and passed away 
this morning. And well ...... she was born deaf, so tonight was the first time she had ever heard me play, and I wanted to make it special.'


There wasn't a dry eye in the house that evening. As the people from Social Services led Robby from the stage to be placed in to 
foster care, I noticed that even their eyes were red and puffy. I thought to myself then how much richer my life had been for taking Robby as my pupil. 

No, I have never had a prodigy, but that night I became a prodigy ....... of Robby.  He was the teacher and I was the pupil, for he had taught me the meaning 
of perseverance and love and believing in yourself, and may be even taking a chance on someone and you didn't know why.


Robby was killed years later in the senseless bombing of the Alfred P. Murray Federal Building in Oklahoma City in April, 1995.

Sweet Humor

Alas, where has all our innocence gone?

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'

*****

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'

*****

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'

******

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!

******

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'

*****

Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq ..' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'

*****


Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star. He explained, That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

*****

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Places - you may not want to go there

I've been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

 

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

 

I have, however, been in Sane.

They don't have an airport.

You have to be driven there.

~~~I've made several trips!!

Daffinitions

                              ADULT:
                              A person who has stopped growing at both ends
                              And is now growing in the middle.

                              BEAUTY PARLOR:
                              A place where women curl up and dye.

                              CHICKENS:
                              The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

                              COMMITTEE:
                              A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

                              DUST:
                              Mud with the juice squeezed out.

                              EGOTIST:
                              Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

                              HANDKERCHIEF:
                              Cold Storage.

                              INFLATION:
                              Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

                              MOSQUITO:
                              An insect that makes you like flies better.

                              RAISIN:
                              A grape with a sunburn.

                              SECRET:
                              Something you tell to one person at a time.

                              SKELETON:
                              A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

                              TOOTHACHE:
                              The pain that drives you to extraction.

                              TOMORROW:
                              One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

                              YAWN:
                              An honest opinion openly expressed.


                              And MY Personal Favorite!
                              WRINKLES:
                              Something other people have,
                              Similar to my character lines.

Sven and the lottery

Ole and Sven were waiting at the bus stop when a truck
went past. It was loaded with rolls of sod.

Ole said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”

“What's dat, den?” asks Sven.

“Send my lawn away to be mowed."