Ponderisms

 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.  

 Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.  

 The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement  

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?  

 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.  

 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?  

 Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'  

 Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'  

  Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway? 

My resume'

1.     My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned.  Couldn’t concentrate!

2.     Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3.     After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn’t suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4.     Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5.     Then, tried being a Chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.

6.     Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn’t cut the mustard.

7.     My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.

8.     I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn’t have any patients.

9.     Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.  Tried hard but just didn’t fit in.

10.            I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.

11.            Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12.            So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

13.            After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14.            My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

15.            SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!!

Splishin and a Splashin

This is too funny...


http://www.terrisfp1.com/flash6/bath.swf

Idiot Sighting

IDIOT  SIGHTING   When  my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked inside it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I  watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'  His reply: 'I know. I already got that  side.'    This  was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS   IDIOT  SIGHTING When  my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked inside it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I  watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'  His reply: 'I know. I already got that  side.'  This  was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS   IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the  opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a  1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's  not.' Four is larger than two.'         We  haven't used Sears repair since.   IDIOT  SIGHTING:     My  daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk  a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.  She sighed and went  to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.       Do  not confuse the clerks at McD's.      IDIOT  SIGHTING  :  I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local  township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't  think this is a good place for  them to be crossing anymore.'  From  Kingman  ,  KS   IDIOT  SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco  Bell    and ordered a taco. She asked the  person behind  the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'  He said he was sorry,  but they only had iceburg lettuce.    -- From  Kansas City       IDIOT  SIGHTING:  I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee  asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To  which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled  knowingly and nodded,     'That's why we ask, it is a government rule.' Happened in  Birmingham, Ala.      IDIOT  SIGHTING  :  The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was  crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing  driving?!'  She  was a probation officer in Wichita , KS        IDIOT SIGHTING :  At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the  company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at  each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at   Texas  Instruments.      ;      IDIOT SIGHTING :   I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.  A deputy with the  Dallas   County  Sheriffs office, no less.   IDIOT SIGHTING :     How would you pronounce this child's name?           "Le-a"     Leah??                NO  Lee - A??            NOPE  Lay - a??             NO  Lei??                   Guess Again.    This child attends a school in  Kansas City,  Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.    It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent." SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.    If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

Jails/Nursing Homes

Jails and Nursing Homes

Here's the way it should be:

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes. 

This would correct two things in one motion:

Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.

They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they would be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.

All meals and snacks would be brought to them

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.

Simple clothing - i.e.., shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free, upon request.

There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.

 Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.

They would receive daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.

The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.

As for the criminals:

 

They would receive cold food.

They would be left alone and unsupervised.

They would receive showers once a week.

They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.

They would have no hope of ever getting out.

    "Sounds like justice to me!"

What I Want in a Man

What I Want In a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4.. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 85)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

What Matters

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
.

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It
is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey
is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never
blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up
to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an
answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't
save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will
this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or
didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd
grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."