1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read: The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, Are you a cop? Yes, I answered and continued writing the report My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? Yes, that's right, I told her. Well, then, she said as she extended her foot toward me, would you please tie my shoe?
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. Is that a dog you got back there? he asked. It sure is, I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, what'd he do?
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, the tooth fairy will never believe this!
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.
And why not, darling?
You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time, she said to her mother. ' can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
Mama, look what I found, the boy called out.
What have you got there, dear?
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, I think it's Adams underwear!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
An educator
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
Cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... And then there are educators
recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
Cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... And then there are educators
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Hungry?
Some interesting tips furnished by friends:
At Cub, buy an angel food cake and ask the bakery folks to frost it. Believe it or not they will frost it and make it very special. As a quick alternative, take the angel food cake, remove from container and place on a plate; then pour cherry (or other flavors if you prefer) pie filling over it. For a real flourish top each piece with some whipped cream.
Those of you that have been to Japanese steakhouses and like that special sauce - not the teriyaki, but the other one - the following link is to the recipe to make it at home:
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Japanese-Shrimp-Sauce-I/Detail.aspx
Aged bananas work great when mashed into pancake batter. It makes a much richer pancake with a lesser need for syrup. Older bananas can be peeled and tossed into a sandwich baggie for future use. One friend advises she put the banana, peel and all, into the freezer.
Did you know that you can search for recipes at AllRecipes.com listing the ingredients that you have available? So if you have rhubarb and pears, enter both items in the search box and see if a recipe returns. If you subscribe to Taste of Home, you can do the same at their website.
Canning used by be very time consuming. While making the preserves, jelly or jam remains the same, sterizing the bottles has become a snap. Simply fill the jars with water within an inch of the top. Each microwave is different - an approximate for 5 of the 1/2 pint jars is 8 minutes. You'll see the water bubbling. Be prepared for water in the tray of your microwave (though it helps with cleaning). No more dripping ceilings.
At Cub, buy an angel food cake and ask the bakery folks to frost it. Believe it or not they will frost it and make it very special. As a quick alternative, take the angel food cake, remove from container and place on a plate; then pour cherry (or other flavors if you prefer) pie filling over it. For a real flourish top each piece with some whipped cream.
Those of you that have been to Japanese steakhouses and like that special sauce - not the teriyaki, but the other one - the following link is to the recipe to make it at home:
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Japanese-Shrimp-Sauce-I/Detail.aspx
Aged bananas work great when mashed into pancake batter. It makes a much richer pancake with a lesser need for syrup. Older bananas can be peeled and tossed into a sandwich baggie for future use. One friend advises she put the banana, peel and all, into the freezer.
Did you know that you can search for recipes at AllRecipes.com listing the ingredients that you have available? So if you have rhubarb and pears, enter both items in the search box and see if a recipe returns. If you subscribe to Taste of Home, you can do the same at their website.
Canning used by be very time consuming. While making the preserves, jelly or jam remains the same, sterizing the bottles has become a snap. Simply fill the jars with water within an inch of the top. Each microwave is different - an approximate for 5 of the 1/2 pint jars is 8 minutes. You'll see the water bubbling. Be prepared for water in the tray of your microwave (though it helps with cleaning). No more dripping ceilings.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
From the mouths of babes...
Children's science exam answers...
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one..)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one..)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome .
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Unusual quotes (not verified)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
I have never hated a man enough to give back his diamonds.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat..
- Alex Levine
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
I don't feel old.. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to
work its way through Congress
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older,
it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere
- Billy Crystal
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
I have never hated a man enough to give back his diamonds.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat..
- Alex Levine
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
I don't feel old.. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to
work its way through Congress
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older,
it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere
- Billy Crystal
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
On a serious note-kitchen fires
Don't assume that everyone knows this stuff. Just forward it to everyone you know and maybe they will forward it to someone who doesn't.I never realized that a wet dishcloth can be a one size fits all lid to cover a fire in a pan! This is a dramatic video (30-second, very short) about how to deal with a common kitchen fire... Oil in a frying pan. Read the following Introduction, then watch the show... It's a real eye-opener! At the Fire Fighting Training school they would demonstrate this with a deep fat fryer set on the fire field. An instructor would don a fire suit and using an 8 oz cup at the end of a 10 foot pole toss water onto the grease fire. The results got the attention of the students. The water, being heavier than oil, sinks to the bottom where it instantly becomes superheated. The explosive force of the steam blows the burning oil up and out. On the open field, it became a thirty foot high fireball that resembled a nuclear blast. Inside the confines of a kitchen, the fire ball hits the ceiling and fills the entire room. Also, do not throw sugar or flour on a grease fire. One cup of either creates the explosive force of two sticks of dynamite. This is a powerful message. Watch the video and don't forget what you see. Tell your whole family about this video. Or better yet, send this to them.
This site keeps the video for a week:
http://www.sendspace.com/file/xtsggy
This site keeps the video for a week:
http://www.sendspace.com/file/xtsggy
Slow Down
Farmer Bill lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer Bill called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer Bill called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY That really sped them up. So Farmer Bill called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign. " He was going to let Farmer Bill do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer Bill. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer Bill a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign. It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Bill's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray painted on a sheet of wood: "NUDIST COLONY - Go slow and watch out for chicks!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)