The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,  John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

You're going to love the Dad's reply:
 
'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.  This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $3000 per month.  
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 My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.  Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.  
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I like long  walks, especially when they are  taken by people who annoy me. 
 

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The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. 
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I have to walk early in the morning, before my  brain figures out what I'm doing..  
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I  joined a health club last year, spent  about 400 bucks.  Haven't lost a pound.
 Apparently you have to go there. 
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 Every time I hear the  dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate. 
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The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll  say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't  she.' 

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Remarkable...

Carl was a quiet man. He didn't talk much. He would always greet you with a big smile and a firm handshake.

Even after living in our neighborhood for over 50 years, no one could really say they knew him very well.

Before his retirement, he took the bus to work each morning. The lone sight of him walking down the street often worried us.

He had a slight limp from a bullet wound received in WWII.
Watching him, we worried that although he had survived WWII, he may not make it through our changing uptown neighborhood with its ever-increasing random violence, gangs, and drug activity.
When he saw the flyer at our local church asking for volunteers for caring for the gardens behind the minister's residence, he responded in his characteristically unassuming manner. Without fanfare, he just signed up.
He was well into his 87th year when the very thing we had always feared finally happened.
He was just finishing his watering for the day when three gang members approached him.
Ignoring their attempt to intimidate him, he simply asked, "Would you like a drink from the hose?"
The tallest and toughest-looking of the three said, "Yeah, sure," with a malevolent little smile.
As Carl offered the hose to him, the other two grabbed Carl's arm, throwing him down.
As the hose snaked crazily over the ground, dousing everything in its way, Carl's assailants stole his retirement watch and his wallet, and then fled.
Carl tried to get himself up, but he had been thrown down on his bad leg. He lay there trying to gather himself as the minister came running to help him.
Although the minister had witnessed the attack from his window, he couldn't get there fast enough to stop it.
"Carl, are you okay? Are you hurt?" the minister kept asking as he helped Carl to his feet.
Carl just passed a hand over his brow and sighed, shaking his head. "Just some punk kids. I hope they'll wise-up someday."
His wet clothes clung to his slight frame as he bent to pick up the hose. He adjusted the nozzle again and started to water.
Confused and a little concerned, the minister asked, "Carl, what are you doing?"
"I've got to finish my watering. It's been very dry lately," came the calm reply.
Satisfying himself that Carl really was all right, the minister could only marvel. Carl was a man from a different time and place.
A few weeks later the three returned. Just as before their threat was unchallenged. Carl again offered them a drink from his hose.
This time they didn't rob him. They wrenched the hose from his hand and drenched him head to foot in the icy water.
When they had finished their humiliation of him, they sauntered off down the street, throwing catcalls and curses, falling over one another laughing at the hilarity of what they had just done.
Carl just watched them. Then he turned toward the warmth giving sun, picked up his hose, and went on with his watering.
The summer was quickly fading into fall. Carl was doing some tilling when he was startled by the sudden approach of someone behind him. He stumbled and fell into some evergreen branches.
As he struggled to regain his footing, he turned to see the tall leader of his summer tormentors reaching down for him. He braced himself for the expected attack.
"Don't worry old man, I'm not gonna hurt you this time."
The young man spoke softly, still offering the tattooed and scarred hand to Carl. As he helped Carl get up, the man pulled a crumpled bag from his pocket and handed it to Carl.
"What's this?" Carl asked. "It's your stuff," the man explained. "It's your stuff back.
Even the money in your wallet." "I don't understand," Carl said. "Why would you help me now?"
The man shifted his feet, seeming embarrassed and ill at ease. "I learned something from you," he said. "I ran with that gang and hurt people like you. We picked you because you were old and we knew we could do it But every time we came and did something to you, instead of yelling and fighting back, you tried to give us a drink. You didn't hate us for hating you. You kept showing love against our hate."
He stopped for a moment. "I couldn't sleep after we stole your stuff, so here it is back."
He paused for another awkward moment, not knowing what more there was to say. "That bag's my way of saying thanks for straightening me out, I guess." And with that, he walked off down the street.
Carl looked down at the sack in his hands and gingerly opened it. He took out his retirement watch and put it back on his wrist. Opening his wallet, he checked for his wedding photo. He gazed for a moment at the young bride that still smiled back at him from all those years ago.
He died one cold day after Christmas that winter. Many people attended his funeral in spite of the weather.
In particular the minister noticed a tall young man that he didn't know sitting quietly in a distant corner of the church.
The minister spoke of Carl's garden as a lesson in life.
In a voice made thick with unshed tears, he said, "Do your best and make your garden as beautiful as you can. We will never forget Carl and his garden."
The following spring another flyer went up. It read: "Person needed to care for Carl's garden."
The flyer went unnoticed by the busy parishioners until one day when a knock was heard at the minister's office door.
Opening the door, the minister saw a pair of scarred and tattooed hands holding the flyer. "I believe this is my job, if you'll have me," the young man said.
The minister recognized him as the same young man who had returned the stolen watch and wallet to Carl.
He knew that Carl's kindness had turned this man's life around. As the minister handed him the keys to the garden shed, he said, "Yes, go take care of Carl's garden and honor him."
The man went to work and, over the next several years, he tended the flowers and vegetables just as Carl had done.

During that time, he went to college, got married, and became a prominent member of the community. But he never forgot his promise to Carl's memory and kept the garden as beautiful as he thought Carl would have kept it.
One day he approached the new minister and told him that he couldn't care for the garden any longer. He explained with a shy and happy smile, "My wife just had a baby boy last night, and she's bringing him home on Saturday."
"Well, congratulations!" said the minister, as he was handed the garden shed keys. "That's wonderful! What's the baby's name?"
"Carl," he replied..
That's the whole gospel message simply stated.

Australian Assn. of Retired People

Questions and Answers

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: In a bookstore under "Fiction'

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can build a shed.

When you're done you'll have a place to live.

 

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

 

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

 

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?

Smile

A woman is sitting on the veranda with her husband and she says,   "I love you."
 He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies,

"It's me............. talking to the wine."

Your Role Model

WHO'S YOUR ROLE MODEL for 2011??     This is fun.  I promise you WILL laugh when you find your role Model.    NO CHEATING. I was really surprised to find out who my role Model was.   FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.   It's CRAZY how accurate this is! No peeking!     1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9   2) Multiply by 3 then   3) Add 3   4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)   5) You'll get a 2  or 3 digit number....   6) Add the digits together   Now Scroll down               .................. With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:        1. Einstein    2. Oprah Winfrey    3. Snoopy    4. Abraham Lincoln     5.  Eleanor Roosevelt    6. Gandhi    7. Mother Theresa     8. Babe Ruth     9. Blog writer Nancy  10. Helen Keller    I know, I know.... I just have that effect on people.     P.S. Stop picking different numbers!!  I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!     NOW CLICK "FORWARD",   PUT YOUR NAME IN NO. 9 AND SEND IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDS FOR A GOOD LAUGH!

Natural Pharmacy

It's been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and  fish... All before making a human. He made and  provided what we'd need before we were born. These  are best & more powerful when eaten raw.   We're such slow learners... 
God left us a great clue as to what foods help what part of our  body! 
God's Pharmacy!  Amazing! 

A sliced  Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... And YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.

A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food. 



Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound  heart and blood vitalizing food. 



A  Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums.  Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function. 



Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like  the human kidneys. 



Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak.  These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body. 



Avocadoes,  Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this?  It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).  



Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow.  Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility. 



Sweet Potatoes  look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics. 



Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries 



Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts  and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts. 


Onions  look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.