O x y m o r o n s

Oxymorons...

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3 . If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the un expected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16 . If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23 . How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27 . Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

I dunno, why do we?


God Saw you hungry & created
McDonalds, Wendy's, and Dairy Queen


He saw you thirsty & created
Coca Cola, Juice, Coffee and Water


GOD saw you in the dark & created Light ..
GOD saw you without a Good looking, adorable, FRIEND So He created ME

The Gingham Dress

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun
threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston and walked timidly without
an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office. The
secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks
had no business at Harvard probably didn't even deserve to be in
Cambridge.

'We'd like to see the president,' the man said softly.


'He'll be busy all day,' the secretary snapped.


'We'll wait,' the lady replied.


For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally
become discouraged and go away.

They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to
disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted.
'Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave,' she said to him!

He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously
didn't have the time to spend with them, and he detested gingham dresses and
homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern faced
and with dignity, strutted toward the couple.

The lady told him, 'We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved
Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally
killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus.'

The president wasn't touched. He was shocked.

'Madam,' he said, gruffly, 'we can't put up a statue for every person who
attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery.'

'Oh, no,' the lady explained quickly. 'We don't want to erect a statue. We
thought we would like to give a building to Harvard.'

The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun
suit, then exclaimed, 'A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a
building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the
physical buildings here at Harvard.'

For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. Maybe he could
get rid of them now. The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, 'Is
that all it cost to start a university? Why don't we just start our own? '

Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and
bewilderment.

Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto,
California where they established the university that bears their name,
Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared
about.

You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who
they think can do nothing for them.

---- A TRUE STORY by Malcolm Forbes

DEAF WIFE - Priceless

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

Doctor told him there is a simple informal test. The husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


**************(I just love this)***************

"Fred, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

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Lemons - the versatile fruit

Lemons - a fruit with a wonderful fragrance, great in food and beverages, but also very handy for multiple purposes around the home!

Lemons have been cultivated by humans for over a thousand years. The fruit in mentioned in tenth century Arabic literature, but was probably first grown in Assam, India.

Lemons are high in vitamin C, have an anti-bacterial effect and are thought to posess antioxidant and anti-carcinogenic properties. The juice consists of about 5% acid, which  also makes them useful for a variety of household purposes.

Selecting and storing lemons
The best lemons are those that have smooth, oily skins and are heavy for their size. They should be bright yellow with no green tinges. Lemons will keep for up to a week at room temperature, two to three weeks refrigerated. Lemon zest (peel) can be frozen for months.
Juicing lemons
To get the most juice from a lemon, it should be allowed to reach room temperature, or microwaved for a few seconds prior to juicing. Using your palm to roll the lemon on a hard surface can also help improve juice yields. If you only need a little juice, some people pierce the end with a fork, squeeze the amount needed, cover the holes with tape and then store in the fridge.
There's so much more to lemons than just using them in cooking and making lemonade! Here's a selection of handy tips. Remember to test in inconspicuous areas first.
Ant deterrent
Pouring lemon juice around areas that ants frequent is said to repel them.
Air freshener
An equal amount of lemon juice and water added to an atomizer will create a wonderful synthetic chemical-free green air freshener for your home.
All purpose cleaner
Again, an equal amount of lemon juice and water added to a spray bottle is an effective kitchen and bathroom cleaner and can also be used on walls (spot test first).
A small amount of lemon juice can also be added to vinegar based cleaning solutions to help neutralize the smell of the vinegar.

Microwave
Heat a bowl of water and lemon slices in your microwave for 30 seconds to a minute; then wipe out the oven. Stains will be easier to remove and old food odors neutralized.
Fridge
Half a lemon stored in your fridge will help control and eliminate unpleasant smells.
Chrome/copper/brass
Rub a lemon juice and baking soda paste onto chrome or copper, rinse and then wipe/buff with a soft cloth or paper towel.
Toilet
Mix 1/2 cup borax and a cup of lemon juice for a powerful toilet cleaner that will leave it smelling extra clean!
Lime scale
Use a half lemon to clean the lime scale off a sink or taps/faucets; rinse well.
Laundry
For bleaching purposes, add 1/2 cup of lemon juice to the rinse cycle and hang clothes outside to dry.
A teaspoon of lemon juice thrown into your wash can also help your clothes to smell fresher.
Dishes
A teaspoon of lemon juice added to your dishwashing detergent can help boost grease cutting power
Drains
Hot lemon juice and baking soda is a good drain cleaner that is safe to use in septic systems.
If you have a garbage disposal unit, throw in some lemon peel from time to time while it's working in order to keep it smelling fresh.
Chopping boards
Rub lemon juice into your wooden chopping board, leave overnight and then rinse. Wood chopping boards appear to have anti-bacterial properties anyway, but the lemon will help kill off any remaining nasties and neutralize odors.
Glass and mirrors
4 tablespoons of lemon juice mixed with half a gallon of water makes an effective window cleaner

Degreaser 
Straight lemon juice can be used as a general degreaser

Furniture
2 parts olive oil or cooking oil mixed with 1 part lemon juice makes for an excellent furniture polish!

Hair
To lighten hair, dampen it with lemon juice and sit out in the sun for an hour. This does work, I tried it myself. Hey, it was the 80's!

I've read that the juice of a lemon mixed with one cup warm water makes for a great hair conditioner. It should be allowed to stay in your hair for a few minutes then washed off. Exercise caution if you have a sensitive scalp.

Cuts, stings and itches
A small amount of lemon juice pour onto minor wounds can help stop bleeding and disinfect the injury (it will sting a bit). Lemon juice applied to itches, poison ivy rashes and wasp stings is said to relieve discomfort.

Hands
The smell of fish can linger on your hands, even after scrubbing with soap - rubbing your hands with lemon juice will neutralize the smell and leave your hands smelling wonderful.

Uses for salt

From www.greenlivingtips provided these uses:

By Green Living Tips | Published  11/2/2008

Here's just a few uses for salt: Salt as a polish By mixing salt and vinegar into a thick paste, it can be applied to brass silver and copper as a polish. Use a soft cloth to apply and buff, then rinse thoroughly in water and dry well. Cleanups This is one I learned as a kid working in a supermarket - for oil and egg spills, cover the area with salt - it's a lot easier to pick up. Salt drain cleaner Equal quantities of salt and hot water poured down a drain can help get rid of nasty smells and dissolve grease, plus help slow future buildup. This probably shouldn't be used in blackwater systems too often as it may upset the good bacteria that are crucial to breaking down solids. Frost free windows and windscreens Wipe down the inside of windows in your home and car with a sponge dipped in a saline solution, then dry. This will help prevent ice forming during freezing weather. Also, by rubbing a small cloth bag of moistend salt on your your car's windshield, this will help prevent ice from forming. Scouring pots and pans Pour rock salt onto greasy cookware before scouring to help cut through the grease Removing tea and coffee stains To remove tea and coffee stains on cups and decanters, sprinkle salt onto a sponge and use a circular motion when rubbing over the stains. Sterilizing sponges Kitchen sponges are the perfect breeding ground for all sorts of nasty bacteria. By soaking a sponge in a heavily saline solution, it will help kill these bacterial. Pest deterrent Where ants frequent, pour a line of salt to prevent them from crossing. Earth friendly weed killer A mix of 1 part salt to 3 parts boiling water can be poured directly onto weeds to kill them. Mouthwash and gargle I use this quite frequently - dissolve around a quarter teaspoon of salt into the equivalent of half a mouthful of warm water. Swish it around your mouth and gargle. I've also found this really helpful in dealing with toothaches. Smelly cutting boards A smelly cutting board simply means bacteria are present - and this is not only a whiffy problem, but a health issue. Bacteria are killed by salt, so by rubbing salt into your cutting board, let it sit for a little while and then rinse, your board will smell fresh and be bacteria-free! Fire extinguisher Keep a box of salt close at hand as an emergency fire extinguisher for grease fires. While it shouldn't replace a proper fire extinguisher, it makes for a good backup. Iron cleaner Over time, irons pick up bits of junk that cause them to stick when you iron your clothes. To remove the gunk buildup, sprinkle salt onto a sheet of paper and then run the iron over it. Ensure you use a shot of steam to clean the jets after doing this and also wipe down the plate with a damp cloth once it cools. Preventing creasote buildup If you use a wood burning stove or heater, soot and creosote can build up in the flue, reducing performance and also increasing the risk of a flue fire.  A handful of salt thrown on the flames occasionally will help loosen the soot. Here's a particularly interesting tip I came across a few times - by adding a pinch of salt to  milk, it will keep for a lot longer without noticeably altering the taste!

Green solutions using vinegar

Handy vinegar tips

Note: spot test before going all out with any of the cleaning related tips below.
- To remove calcium buildup on kettles and electric jugs, boil the kettle with half a cup of white vinegar and leave to soak for a while. Rinse with fresh water, reboil with same and your kettle should now be calcium deposit free.
- Place a small container of vinegar in your toilet and bathroom to eliminate odors.
- A half cup of vinegar added to a toilet bowl left overnight removes bowl odor. The smell of the vinegar will also dissipate overnight.
- A cotton ball soaked in vinegar and applied to bruises for an hour is said to speed up the healing process.
- Vinegar on minor burns and many sorts of stings can alleviate pain.
- For cleaning your dishwasher, vinegar frozen into ice cubes, then a couple added to the bottom of the dishwasher just prior to a cycle is an effective alternative to using heavy chemical cleaners.
- Old, stiff paintbrushes can be revived by dipping them into heated white vinegar for a couple of hours, followed by a rinse in soapy water. Beats using turpentine!
- Vinegar can be used as a nappy soak; simply add half a cup of white vinegar to the water in the nappy bucket

- Use it as a broad leaf weed killer - spray it neat onto the leaves of weeds, being careful to avoid plants you wish to keep. A mix of vinegar and salt can be used to keep weeks and grass out of driveway cement joins.

- Vinegar can be used as a benchtop disinfectant; but it's a good idea to wipe over at night in order that the smell dissipates.
- For pet owners, white vinegar poured onto pet urine mishaps on carpets, then blotted up with paper towel will prevent staining and odor.
- Save money on washing pre-spray by spraying neat vinegar on deodorant and other stains on garments just prior to washing.
- Spray a 50/50 mix of vinegar and water onto soap scum on shower screens, leave sit then wipe or rinse off.
- Neat vinegar sprayed onto mold affected bathroom/shower tiles will kill the mold.
- Vinegar can be used as a fabric softener by adding half the amount of vinegar as you would of your usual softening agent.
- I've seen many suggestions that a tablespoon of vinegar can be used as a replacement for hair conditioner.
- Vinegar can also be used as a glass cleaner either mixed with water or used neat in a spray bottle.
- Use full strength vinegar to polish chrome and stainless steel
- Use a 50/50 vinegar and water mix to clean your iron. Add the mixture to your iron and allow it steam itself clean
- Pour boiling white vinegar down a clogged drain to remove the obstruction
- Used in an fine atomizer, vinegar is effective as room deodorizer
- Ants hate vinegar; so spray it around doorways and other areas they frequent to repel them

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