Happy Days

The Good Napkins

2012-02-01T09:37:00.002-06:00

THE GOOD NAPKINS ... Ahhhhh. The joys of having Girls...

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping ''napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake). Now fast forward a few months .... It's Christmas Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, Then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. 'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!' Pass this on to your girlfriends who need a good laugh Life is too short for drama & petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly...and for heavens sake, use the good napkins whenever you can.

Cahoots

2012-02-01T09:33:00.000-06:00

Cahoots

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

Child's Religion-Test Responses

2012-01-29T10:21:00.002-06:00

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATHOFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19.. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23.. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25.. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Sven Declares War

2012-01-29T09:39:00.002-06:00

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, President Obama," a heavily accented Norwegian voice said. "'Dis here is Sven, over here at the Muni Liquor Store in Menahga , Minnesota . Ve don't like some a yer policies so I am callin' to tell ya that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well, Sven," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Sven, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Knute, my next-door-neighbor Ole, and the whole pool team from the Muni."

Barack paused, "I must tell you Sven that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Sven, "I'll haf ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Sven called again. "Mr. Obama, da war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Sven?" Barack asked.

"Vell sir, ve got two combines, a bulldozer, and Sigurd's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Sven, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"All right den, said Sven. "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Sven rang again the next day... "President Obama, da war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Ole's ultra-light vit a couple'a shotguns in da cockpit, and four boys from the coffee shop haf joined us as vell!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Sven, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Two million you say?," said Sven, "l'll haf' to call you back."

Sure enough, Sven called again the next day. "President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Vell, sir," said Sven, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's yust no vay ve can feed two million prisoners."
NORWEGIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

Word Fun

2012-01-29T09:35:00.003-06:00

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

AND FINALLY..

2012-01-10T22:30:00.002-06:00

__MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of

Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in

the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have

little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,

I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably

shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd

lost 50 poundsbefore I awakened in an intensive care ward with

tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way

that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and

simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is

nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it

again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line

was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog

food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff

a poodle's butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack

he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask

retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of

crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired

friends...it will be their laugh for the day!

More Church Bulletin Funnies

2011-12-17T21:53:00.000-06:00

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Retardment

2011-12-13T22:34:00.000-06:00

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS...

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils to write an essay on how they

spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved

to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't

have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they

don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed

because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very

well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He

watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising

in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night

--- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who

do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and
says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will

let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Funny Church Bulletin Statements

2011-11-23T07:52:00.000-06:00

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the Church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

Tuesday evening there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put Me in my Little Bed", accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the little Mothers' Club. All those wishing to become Little Mothers, please meet the minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they m ay be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.

The rosebud on the alter is to announce the birth of David Alan Belser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belser.

Above furnished, with humor, by Peasce Lutheran Church Newspaper, New London, MN

By Andy Rooney

2011-11-23T07:43:00.000-06:00

ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE
WRITTEN BY ANDY ROONEY

I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned .... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned... . That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.. That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom and Dad that I love them one more time before they passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned .... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned .... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Prejudice?

2011-11-14T09:22:00.000-06:00

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudism' these days...

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

Health Alert

2011-11-02T20:02:00.000-05:00

I did not know this.....

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,

When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,

When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends

2011-11-02T20:00:00.000-05:00

Number 1:

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, ... I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, ... Why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

Number 2:

Now We Know Why He Was a General -----

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

You have got to love them both!

Going to a Lecture

2011-11-02T19:56:00.000-05:00

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 AM and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Dinner Joke

2011-11-02T19:53:00.000-05:00

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under
the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and
out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't.
He just walked in."

The Test...

2011-11-02T19:12:00.000-05:00

Students in a Marshall Texas high school Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was worth 70 points:
'Name seven advantages of mother's milk.'

A future Texas Aggie in the classroom wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then, he was stuck. Finally in desperation, just before the bell

rang, he wrote...

7) It comes in 2 cute containers.

The boy got an A

Where have I been?

2011-10-25T16:48:00.000-05:00

Places I have and have not been:

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

A tough day

2011-10-24T07:56:00.002-05:00

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.

I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jerk, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Up, Up, Up...

2011-10-07T16:36:00.000-05:00

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a tossUP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stirUP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UPexcuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the wordUP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P!

Did that one crack you UP?

Now I'll shut UP

Church Bulletin Bloopers

2011-09-26T11:02:00.000-05:00

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the
house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir
practice.

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the
pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up
Yours.

Feng Shui

2011-08-16T17:07:00.002-05:00

  Feng Shui
·
This is without a doubt one of the nicest good luck forwards I have received.. Hope it works for you -- and me!

Lotus Touts:

There's some mighty fine advice in Lotus Touts has been sent to you for good luck from the Anthony Robbins organization. It has been sent around the world ten times so far.

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR.. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE... Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN..  Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice

TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

The Piano Student

2011-08-15T17:36:00.000-05:00

This is a true story and it will give you the chills.

This is a beautiful and touching story of love and perseverance. Well

worth the read.

At the prodding of my friends I am writing this story. My name is Mildred Honor and I am a former elementary school music teacher from Des Moines, Iowa . I have always supplemented my income by teaching piano lessons - something I have done for over 30 years.

During those years I found that children have many levels of musical ability, and even though I have never had the pleasure of having a prodigy, I have taught some very talented students.

However, I have also had my share of what I call 'musically challenged' pupils - one such pupil being Robby..

Robby was 11 years old when his mother (a single mom) dropped him off for his first piano lesson. I prefer that students (especially boys) begin at an earlier age, which I explained to Robby. But Robby said that it had always been his mother's dream to hear him play the piano, so I took him as a student.

Well, Robby began his piano lessons and from the beginning I thought it was a hopeless endeavor. As much as Robby tried, he lacked the sense of tone and basic

rhythm needed to excel. But he dutifully reviewed his scales and some elementary piano pieces that I require all my students to learn. Over the months he tried and tried while I listened and cringed and

tried to encourage him.

At the end of each weekly lesson he would always say 'My mom's going to hear me play someday'. But to me, it seemed hopeless, he just did not have any inborn ability.

I only knew his mother from a distance as she dropped Robby off or waited in her aged car to pick him up. She always waved and smiled, but never dropped in.

Then one day Robby stopped coming for his lessons. I thought about calling him, but assumed that because of his lack of ability he had decided to pursue something else. I was also glad that he had stopped coming - he was a bad advertisement for my teaching!

Several weeks later I mailed a flyer recital to the students' homes. To my surprise, Robby (who had received a flyer) asked me if he could be in the recital. I told him that the recital was for current pupils and that because he had dropped out, he really did not qualify.

He told me that his mother had been sick and unable to take him to his piano lessons, but that he had been practicing. 'Please Miss Honor, I've just got to play' he

insisted. I don't know what led me to allow him to play in the recital - perhaps it was his insistence or maybe something inside of me saying that it would be

all right.

The night of the recital came and the high school gymnasium was packed with parents, relatives and friends. I put Robby last in the program, just before I

was to come up and thank all the students and play a finishing piece. I thought that any damage he might do would come at the end of

the program and I could always salvage his poor performance through my 'curtain closer'.

Well, the recital went off without a hitch, the students had been practicing and it showed. Then Robby came up on the stage. His clothes were wrinkled and his

hair looked as though he had run an egg beater through it. 'Why wasn't he dressed up like the other students?' I thought. 'Why didn't his mother at least

make him comb his hair for this special night?'

Robby pulled out the piano bench, and I was surprised when he announced that he had chosen to play Mozart's Concerto No.

21 in C Major. I was not prepared for what I heard next. His fingers were light on the keys, they even danced nimbly on the

ivories. He went from pianissimo to fortissimo, from allegro to virtuoso; his suspended chords that Mozart demands were magnificent!

Never had I heard Mozart played so well by anyone his age.

After six and a half minutes he ended in a grand crescendo, and everyone was on their feet in wild applause! Overcome and in tears, I ran up on stage and put

my arms around Robby in joy. 'I have never heard you play like that Robby, how did you

do it?

' Through the microphone Robby explained: 'Well, Miss Honor .... remember I told you that my mom was sick? Well, she actually had cancer and passed away

this morning. And well ...... she was born deaf, so tonight was the first time she had ever heard me play, and I wanted to make it special.'

There wasn't a dry eye in the house that evening. As the people from Social Services led Robby from the stage to be placed in to

foster care, I noticed that even their eyes were red and puffy. I thought to myself then how much richer my life had been for taking Robby as my pupil.

No, I have never had a prodigy, but that night I became a prodigy ....... of Robby. He was the teacher and I was the pupil, for he had taught me the meaning

of perseverance and love and believing in yourself, and may be even taking a chance on someone and you didn't know why.

Robby was killed years later in the senseless bombing of the Alfred P. Murray Federal Building in Oklahoma City in April, 1995.

Sweet Humor

2011-08-05T07:47:00.000-05:00

Alas, where has all our innocence gone?

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'

*****

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'

*****

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'

******

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!

******

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'

*****

Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq ..' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'

*****

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star. He explained, That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

*****

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Places - you may not want to go there

2011-08-04T09:26:00.000-05:00

I've been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.

They don't have an airport.

You have to be driven there.

~~~I've made several trips!!

Daffinitions

2011-07-22T07:46:00.002-05:00

                              ADULT:
                              A person who has stopped growing at both ends
                              And is now growing in the middle.

                              BEAUTY PARLOR:
                              A place where women curl up and dye.

                              CHICKENS:
                              The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

                              COMMITTEE:
                              A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

                              DUST:
                              Mud with the juice squeezed out.

                              EGOTIST:
                              Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

                              HANDKERCHIEF:
                              Cold Storage.

                              INFLATION:
                              Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

                              MOSQUITO:
                              An insect that makes you like flies better.

                              RAISIN:
                              A grape with a sunburn.

                              SECRET:
                              Something you tell to one person at a time.

                              SKELETON:
                              A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

                              TOOTHACHE:
                              The pain that drives you to extraction.

                              TOMORROW:
                              One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

                              YAWN:
                              An honest opinion openly expressed.

                              And MY Personal Favorite!
                              WRINKLES:
                              Something other people have,
                              Similar to my character lines.

Sven and the lottery

2011-06-26T19:44:00.002-05:00

Ole and Sven were waiting at the bus stop when a truck
went past. It was loaded with rolls of sod.

Ole said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”

“What's dat, den?” asks Sven.

“Send my lawn away to be mowed."

Ole and the Catholics

2011-06-25T10:35:00.000-05:00

Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up his outdoor grill on the shore of Big Stone Lake and cook a venison steak. But, all of Ole's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over Ortonville, and all the way to Clinton, and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran; raised a Lutheran; but now you are a Catholic."

Ole's neighbors were relieved.... until Friday night arrived. Again the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Ole's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water.... which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You vuz born a deer; you vuz raised a deer; but now you is a walleye."

Religion - Too Funny

2011-06-25T10:31:00.000-05:00

Time for Church

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:
(1) You're 49 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row, please," she answered..
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.

Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

The Best Way to Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed... "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ...."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Goat for Dinner The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

Oh, Those Kids

2011-06-17T17:39:00.000-05:00

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

>
> TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
> JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
> __________________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
> GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
> TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
> GLENN: But you asked me how I spell it.
> ____________________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
> DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
> TEACHER: What are you talking about?
> DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
> (This kid is a future Rocket Scientist!)
> __________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
> didn't have ten years ago.
> WINNIE: Me!
> __________________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
> GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
> _______________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
> MILLIE: I is..
> TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.'
> MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
> ________________________________
>
> TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
> tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
> punish him?
> LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
> ______________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
> your brother's. Did you copy his?
> CLYDE: No, sir. But it's the same dog.
> _________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
> people are no longer interested?
> HAROLD: A teacher.
> ____________________

Dating in 1960

2011-06-12T22:32:00.002-05:00

Dating in 1960

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.
'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.. 'Yes,' said the mother.
'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
'The bloody dance is called the Twist!'

Chinese Feng Shui horoscope

2011-06-12T22:25:00.002-05:00

This is a Chinese Feng Shui horoscope.
If you are honest this tells the truth.

Write your answers on paper.
To find your Feng Shui horoscope scroll down.

1. Which is your favourite color: Red, Black, Blue, Green or Yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, Black or White?
5. The name of a person that is the same sex as you?
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like   California or Florida more?
8. Do you like a   Lake or the Ocean more?
9. Write down a Wish (a realistic one)

           When you are done, scroll down. Don't cheat!

Answers:

1. If you choose:
Red:     You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black:   You are conservative and aggressive.
Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue:    You are spontaneous and love affection.
Yellow: You are a very happy person & give good advice to those who are down.

2. If your initial is between:
A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R: You try to live your life to the max & your love life is soon to bloom.
S-Z: You like to help others and your future looks very bright.

3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you
              fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
Apr-Jun:   You will have a strong love relationship that will last forever.
Jul-Sep:    You will have a great year and will experience a major
               life changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec:   Your life will be great; you will find your soul mate.

4. If you choose:
Black: Your life is about to get better. You are more than ready for the
         change.
White: You have a friend who completely confides in you and would do
          anything for you, but you may not realize it.

5. This person should be your Best Friend.

6. This is how many close friends you will have in your life time.

7. If you choose:
California : You like adventure.
Florida :      You are a laid back person.

8. If you choose:
Lake :   You are loyal to your friends and your lover. You are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

9. This wish will come true if you send this to 1 person in one hour. Send
this to ten people and it will come true before your next birthday

Dementia Quiz

2011-06-09T22:55:00.000-05:00

DEMENTIA QUIZ:
>
>     FIRST QUESTION:
>
> YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON, WHAT
> POSITION ARE YOU IN?
>
>
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
> THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND
> YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!
>
> TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
> NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
> BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
> YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?
>
>
>
>
>
> SECOND QUESTION:
> IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
> (SCROLL DOWN)
>
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU
> ARE.....
> WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST
> PERSON??
>
>
> YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?
>
>
> THIRD QUESTION:
> VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
> THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
> DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
> TRY IT.
>
>
>
> TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
> ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
> NOW ADD 10.. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?
>
>
> SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....
>
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> DID YOU GET 5000?
>
> THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...
>
>
>
> IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
> TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?
>
> MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE...
>
>
>
> FOURTH QUESTION:
>
> MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 1.     NANA, 2. NENE, 3... NINI,
> 4. NONO, AND ???
> 2.     WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
> HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
> I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF:
>
>
>
>
>
> A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
> BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY
> EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
> NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF
> SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?
>
>
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
>
>
>
>
> IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
> HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...
> DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
> IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
> SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
> HAVE A NICE DAY sunshine, see you on the short yellow bus

Sven/Ole

2011-06-09T22:10:00.000-05:00

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said, "Here's what we'll do.   Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day.   The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out.   At end of the shift, Pat and Mike O’Shea, the Irish guys, came back, and the boss asked them how many
they had installed.   They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Sven and Ole Olson, the Norwegian guys came back in, and they were totally exhausted.

The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Ole, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped,   "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground."

Who should you marry?

2011-06-09T22:05:00.000-05:00

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?    (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2.     WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
--   Camille, age 10

3.   HOW
CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4.     WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5.     WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8       (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

6.     WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
  When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7   ( Love her )

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age   7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

7.       IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9    (bless you child )

8.     HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
  There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is   .........

9.     HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
  Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

Skinny Dipping

2011-06-09T22:03:00.000-05:00

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women

skinny-dipping in his pond

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,

"we're not coming out of this pond until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I didn't come

down here to watch you ladies swim naked,

or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said:

"I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast.

Two Little Boys

2011-06-09T21:29:00.002-05:00

Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic. 'Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asked as she shook the older boy in anger.. 'We were just playing 'church' mommy,' he said. 'I was just baptizing him......in the name of Father, the Son and in... the hole he goes.'

2011-06-09T20:56:00.000-05:00

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor
And creativity!!!

When U Black, U Black

When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK ,

NOW, You 'white' folks....

When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all be callin'
COLORED Folks?

Wisconsin at War

2011-06-09T17:43:00.002-05:00

WISCONSIN Declares War on the President

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, President Obama," a heavily accented Norwegian voice said.
"'Dis here is Sven, over here at the Rod and Gun Club in Iola,
Wisconsin. Ve don't like some a yer policies so I am callin' to tell ya
that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well, Sven," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?"

"Right now," said Sven, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,
my cousin Knute, my next-door-neighbor Ole, and the whole pool team
from the Rod & Gun. That makes eight!"

Barack paused, "I must tell you Sven that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Sven, "I'll haf ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Sven called again. "Mr. Obama, da war is
still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Sven?" Barack asked.

"Vell sir, ve got two combines, a bulldozer, and Sigurd's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Sven, that I have 16,000
tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army
to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"All right den, said Sven. "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Sven rang again the next day. "President Obama, da war
is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an'
modified Ole's ultra-light vit a couple'a shotguns in da cockpit,
and four boys from the coffee shop haf joined us as vell!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Sven, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My
military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Two million you say?," said Sven, "l'll haf' to call ya back."

Sure enough, Sven called again the next day. "President Obama! I am
sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Vell, sir," said Sven, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long
chat over a few beers, and come to realize that dar's yust no vay ve
can feed two million prisoners."

WISCONSIN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

If you're from Wisconsin , you won't even need to be told to pass this on.

GOD BLESS WISCONSIN !

Over 40+ will enjoy

2011-06-05T13:26:00.000-05:00

Memories - Burma Shave and music/song by the Statler Bros.

http://oldfortyfives.com/DYRT.htm

Beautiful Kaleidoskope

2011-06-05T13:18:00.000-05:00

Check this out ... after watching for a few seconds,

move your cursor back and forth across the display...

http://inoyan.narod.ru/kaleidoskop.swf

The Wal-Mart Greeter

2011-06-04T21:29:00.000-05:00

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear."

"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I'll try harder."

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.

He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?

2011-06-04T20:43:00.000-05:00

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

            The average person over 40 years of
            age cannot do it!

                                  1. This is this cat.
                                  2. This is is cat.
                                  3. This is how cat.
                                  4. This is to cat.
                                  5. This is keep cat.
                                  6. This is an cat.
                                  7. This is old cat.
                                  8..This is fart cat.
                                  9. This is busy cat.
                                  10. This is for cat.
                                  11. This is forty cat.
                                  12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down. Terrible tease.
passing it on!

2011-06-04T20:39:00.000-05:00

I already knew I was dumber than the fifth graders sometimes...but now it's the preschoolers.

A PRE-SCHOOL TEST FOR YOU

Which way is the bus below traveling?
To the left or to the right?

Can't make up your mind? Look carefully at the picture again..
Still don't know?

Pre-schoolers all over the United States
were shown this picture and asked the same question.
90% of the pre-schoolers gave this answer.
"The bus is traveling to the left."

When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling to the left?"

They answered:
"Because you can't see the door to get on the bus."

How do you feel now ???

I know, me too.
Have a nice day!

Turnabout Fair Play

2011-06-04T20:31:00.001-05:00

Great example of personal 'greed', turnabout fair play, and bad karma coming back to haunt you!!!

This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award
contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA ....

NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS

Summary of Life

2011-05-30T10:53:00.000-05:00

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize a cat.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*

Take the time to live!!!Life is too short. Whoo-hoo!

Definitions

2011-05-22T12:44:00.000-05:00

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage..

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favorite!

WRINKLES:

Something other people have,

Similar to my character lines